i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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