I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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