i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
