you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
