The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
