I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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