Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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