proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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