I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
