Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
