dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
