party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
