dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
