Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
