Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize