My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
