Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
