All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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