This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
