she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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