There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
