True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize