It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
