This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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