Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I deserve this hangover.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
