My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
