If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
