She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
