Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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