i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
We have so much sex to catch up on
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
