24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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