remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
