I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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