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Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
