the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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