How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
