my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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