wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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