If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
