Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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