You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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