if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
