Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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