my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize