im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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