drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
