he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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