just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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