two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
