A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
