And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
