So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
