I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
