you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
