I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
