I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
