What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
