my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
