I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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