Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
