if i can run in heels then i can drive
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
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