You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
MIDGETS
????
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
