you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
